ALCHEMIST SHOWDOWN
by Rockcrab
Summary: Two characters battle out to see who is coolest. Host is SWEENEY TODD, judges are PEIN, AANG, and KIBA With occasional guest judge... Contestants so far include Sasuke, L, Edward Elric, Neji, Light, and Roy Mustang. Vash and Zolf Kimbley have shown up...
1. Sasuke versus L

Disclaimer- I do not own Naruto, Sweeney Todd, Death Note, Avatar, or any other show I forgot to mention.

Author's note- Here's the deal... Sasuke and L and battling over who's cooler. Sweeney Todd is the host, Pein, Aang, and Kiba are the judges... and like American Idol the audience (you) must vote on who wins, Sasuke or L. Other chapters will have two different contestants, if you don't like it, review telling me so and I will try to improve it. Here, the audience is key.

* * *

Sweeney Todd glances down at a note card. "Our contestants today are Sasuke and L."

Sasuke focusses on something to his right. "Hmph."

L 'sits' in his squating position near a wall. He looks up at Sasuke and then at Sweeney Todd. Then he glances over at Aang, Kiba, and Pein.

"So.." Sweeney Todd again glances at a note card. "The American, Japanese, Russian, French-Italian against the Konoha, Sound, Rouge ninja." The notecard said enthusiasm. "...!" Delayed enthusiasm on Sweeney Todd's part. So much for good acting skills.

Sasuke glances at L and decides it should be no problem winning this contest to him. L glances at Sasuke and starts meticulously planning out his defeat in his mind.

"So judges... first impressions?" Sweeney Todd said, he actually remembered this line.

"They both look like idiots. I could take them both down anyways." says Pein.

"They both look like real winners to me! This is going to be a close contest!" says Aang excitedly.

Kiba looks down under the table and frantically read something. "Yo, dawg, fo-shizzle..." he says awkwardly. Akamaru looks up at him and tilts his head when he says 'dawg.' "Not you Akamaru. This should be... I mean... yo, this should be an interesting competetion, dawg..."

"Well, let's begin..." says Sweeney Todd.

Sasuke and L stand facing each other. Stare off! They stare into each others eyes. "You're going to give in first." says Sasuke quietly.

"Not gonna happen." says L. L smiles slightly.

Ten minutes pass and L and Sasuke's eyes are dried out. Akamaru barks and L and Sasuke both flinch at the same time. They both turn towards Akamaru.

"That contest made your eye's look like a rabbit's in headlights." says Pein.

"Pein... it's deer in the headlights." says Aang playing with a marble, making it fly around on his hand.

"No, I meant a RABBIT." says Pein.

"Yo, dawg..." says Kiba again looking under the table and reading something. Akamaru looks at him and tilts his head. "Not you Akamaru... Dawg, look. Pein, calm down yo..."

"Damn you dog." says Sasuke. L stays quiet.

"I'm still cooler." says Sasuke. "I'm a ninja."

"Well, I'm an investigator." says L.

"I'm the top ninja in my class." says Sasuke.

"I'm the second _and_ third best investigators." says L.

"Well I have to kill my brother to be an avenger." says Sasuke.

"Well I'm in a cooler series than you." says L.

"Are not." says Sasuke. "Mine has a better plot."

"No it doesn't." says L.

"Well it has more plots!" says Sasuke.

"How many does yours have?" says L.

"I don't know... But yours starts off so idiotically. I mean, 'A notebook? I better pick it up...' Come on..." says Sasuke rolling his eyes.

"Could we hurry this up? You two's quarreling gives me a headache." says Pein.

"You're upsetting Akamaru!" says Kiba. Then he looks around and coughs. Then continues in a slightly lower voice, "Uh... Yo, you're upsetting my dog, dawg!"

"Oh, but they make such great points!" says Aang.

"Hmph." says Sasuke death glaring Pein and L somehow at the same time. Then someone pounds on the door of the room and opens it before anyone can see who it is.

"Tobi is here!" says Tobi.

"Tobi... this is Sasuke vs L. Why are you here...?" says Pein. He's not happy about Tobi being here, Tobi's annoying.

"Tobi is making a suprise and wanted to make sure you wouldn't leave without Tobi being able to show it!" says Tobi.

"Well then show it and leave..." says Pein. Tobi shakes his head.

"Tobi's not done yet." says Tobi.

"Fine, leave and come back later. You're making my headache worse." says Pein rubbing his temples.

"OK!" yells Tobi.

"New point." says L. "The series you are in has annoying characters."

"Does not!" says Sasuke. "Name three."

"Tobi, Naruto, Konohamaru, shall I continue?" says L.

"Shall? How lame." says Sasuke changing the subject.

"And your show has creepy people too." says L looking around.

"Name-" Sasuke starts to say.

"I know, name three. Haku, Orochimaru, Jariaya... is there still a need to continue?" says L smirking. Sasuke doesn't respond.

"Yo, dawg, Pein and I are null and invalid votes because we are from the series in which Sasuke is in for this topic..." says Kiba.

"But I do agree... the Naruto series has a few odd characters..." says Pein.

"Like you." says Sasuke. Pein doesn't respond, he just scowls at Sasuke.

"Guys! This is between Sasuke and L, not Sasuke and Pein." says Aang.

"Fine." says Pein turning to face Sasuke, "You lost my vote."

"Your vote doesn't matter, only the audience vote matters." says Sasuke defiantly.

"Some people don't like Cocky Emo Bastards like you, so I'd be worried right now Duck-butt head." says Pein. Then he looks at Sasuke and L one after another. "Wow, I can't beleive it! They both have almost the same hair style!" Sasuke and L turn to Pein, but then ignore him.

"You don't need me to say that you are uncool..." says L quietly to Sasuke. Sasuke hits him and L hits the wall across the room. L stands up and punches at Sasuke, hitting him. Sasuke falls backwards.

"Do something!" says Aang.

"I don't know... this is the most amusing thing that's happened so far..." says Pein.

"Dawg..." says Kiba addressing Sweeney Todd who looks up at him.

"Hm?" says Sweeney Todd.

"Will you pull them apart, yo?" says Kiba.

"If you say so..." says Sweeney Todd walking onto the stage and coming inbetween them. He takes out a razor.

"NOT THAT WAY!" yells Aang. Sweeney Todd puts his razor away scowling.

"Fine." says Sweeney Todd slightly annoyed. "I'll do it your way then." Sweeney Todd pushes Sasuke to one wall and L to another. "Stay there or I will use my way... because now... you've annoyed me."

The door opens again and Tobi walks in carrying a cake. L looks over at it. Sasuke glances at it and then ignores it.

"Can we finish now?" asks Sasuke.

"Yeah..." says L still looking over at the cake. "What's with the cake?"

"Tobi made it for everyone here, but it's for after the show's done." says Tobi.

Pein hits his head with his hand. "And he's in the Akatsuki why...?"

L is still looking at the cake. "We could be done now..."

"We haven't even done the sandwich making contest!" says Pein. Sweeney Todd rolls his eyes at the ceiling.

"Sense when were we having that?" asks Aang.

"Sense right now, I'm hungry." says Pein.

"Pein..." says Aang closing his eyes and shaking his head.

"Dawg..." says Kiba.

"Yeah?" says Pein. The room is silent for a few moments.

"Well, lets just end it now." says L still eyeing the cake.

"No way." says Sasuke.

"Here, I'll end it myself, Sasuke, your name basically tells a story, Sas-u-ke... think about it. Sound it out really slow. No one except for a girl with pink hair likes you after you ran away to a snakelord... who is very creepy by the way, by what I have seen of you, you aren't too bright and you are to tied up in revenge to really care about anything else." says L nonchalantly, forgeting his whole plan. The contest isn't really important in his mind anyways. "Now..."

"Hey!" yells Sasuke, not too happy with L. "Well you... uh... you... are having trouble locating a teenager with a notebook!"

"Nice comeback." says L sarcatically, and still looking at the cake.

Kiba looks under he table again, but his book is yanked out of his hands by Akamaru who had just jumped to the floor. "Hey dog! Give it back... yo...!" says Kiba trying to get the book back. Suddenly the door opens and Ebisu walks in.

"BOOK OF DOOM!" Ebisu yells really loudly. Pein rubs his head and glares at Ebisu.

"Who are you?!" asks Pein.

"I am Ebisu..." says Ebisu. "Have you seen the Hokage's Grandson?"

"I have not seen him so leave!" yells Pein.

"Jeeze..." says Ebisu as he walks out the door. Once he is gone Pein stands up and takes the book out of the dog's mouth. He reads the title and raises an eyebrow. Then he flips through the pages.

"How to be like Randy Jackson? ...Fo-shizzle?" Pein says slightly amused. "Why do you have this? It doesn't even seem to work. Randy does not say 'fo-shizzle' in anything I have ever seen him in."

"Hey! Give it back yo!" says Kiba standing up.

"Just give it back..." says Aang rolling his eyes.

"Fine... here." says Pein giving the book back.

"Are we quite done yet?" says L looking over at the cake.

"Not yet..." says Kiba before adding, "Dawg."

"Well then what's next 'dawg.'" says Sasuke using air quotes for 'dawg.'

"Airquotes? You lost my vote Sasuke." says Pein.

"I lost your earlier." says Sasuke.

"Don't be a smart-" Pein starts to say.

"No swearing Pein!" says Aang.

"Ok, yo, next us judges have to pick our favorite..." says Kiba.

"Well I think they both are rather suckish and neither are very cool." says Pein, "Can I leave now?"

"No," says Aang. "I think that they both were wonderful! They both get my vote."

"And you Kiba...?" says Sweeney Todd getting bored.

"I, yo, think that... uh..." Kiba says stuttering a bit.

"He picks neither ok?" says Pein.

"Godd enough for me." says L eyeing the cake.

"CAKE TIME!" yells Tobi and Pein falls out of his chair.

"TOOOOBBBBIII!" Pein yells getting up.

"Sorry Pein-sama..." says Tobi putting the cake on the table. He cuts Sasuke a peice and L takes it instead, even though he had already gotten his. "What is L doing?"

"You bastard!" says Sasuke. "Give that cake back!"

"I don't care what you call me, I'm still taking your peice of cake." says L smirking. The cake is now gone and Sasuke didn't get any.

"So..." says Sweeney Todd glancing at another notecard. "Vote on one of the two; Sasuke or L. The winner will be a guest judge on the next show..." Sweeney Todd glances down again. "Thanks for coming... Good night/day/whatever..."

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Author's note- There we go. That took forever to type... so please vote on either Sasuke or L and give ideas for two more people for next time, thank you...


	2. The winner is SASUKE? Wait a moment!

Disclaimer- I do not own Naruto, Sweeney Todd, Death Note, Avatar, or any other show I forgot to mention.

Author's note- Ok! Results are in! Let's see! Ivanika: L, Kyushina-Yumi: L, potterandanimelover: L, Sabuku no Rya: L, and Mossnose: Sasuke. I'm sure Sasuke thanks you Mossnose... if it were not for you it would have been a shut out. Ok and the results L-4 and Sasuke- 1. Onward...

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"Ok... and the winner of Sasuke versus L is... Sasuke." says Seeney Todd. Pein looks up at Sweeney Todd with an angered look.

"Sasuke? Sasuke?! How could Sasuke possably win?!" yells Pein.

"Yo, dawg, I agree with Pein for once... I think that L should have won fo-shizzle." says Kiba.

"Fo-shizzle?" asks Aang.

"Yeah, I just found out fo-shizzle means 'for sure.' Dawg..." says Kiba.

"Back to the topic... How in hell did Sasuke end up winning?" asks Pein standing up.

"What's your problem Pein? What do you _like_ L or something?" asks Aang playing with the marble again.

"NO!" yells Pein. "I just don't like Sasuke for apparent reasons."

"Oh you mean..." says Aang.

"Yes." says Pein. "Sasuke is a murderer!"

"OMG, SO ARE YOU!" says Kiba. "Dawg..."

"Shut up." says Pein. Kiba crosses his arms.

"Oh wait..." says Sweeney Todd. "I have the notecard up-side-down... the real winner is L."

"How is L up-side-down Sasuke?!" yells Pein. Sweeney Todd shrugs. His job is fun, no wonder Ryan keeps his job on American Idol...

"Dawg... so L won?" asks Kiba.

"Yeah." says Aang. Pein sits back down and L walks out and sits next to Kiba on the extra chair. "Congrats L!"

"Thanks." says L. "So who are the next contestants?"

"Well we were thinking either Neji versus Light or maybe You versus Light." says Aang.

"I just went last time," says L.

"We can make you go again." says Pein.

"No you can't." says L.

"I can." says Pein. L shakes his head. Pein nods his head.

"This is going to go on for a while..." says Aang. "Sweeney Todd? Could you cue the time cards?"

"Yeah, sure." says Sweeney Todd.

**_Two hours later_**

"That good?" asks Sweeney Todd.

"Yes." says Aang.

Suddenly everyoneone hears the door open and shut again, but sees no one walk in and so hence desmisses the noise and goes back to talking. "I guess I'll go again, but not without the audiences consent." says L.

"Fine. We'll let them decide." says Pein.

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Author's note- Ok, now you guys should vote on who will be next to contest... will it be Neji and Light or L and Light? Read and review please. Without votes this fan fic is basically on hiatus.


	3. Light versus Neji

Disclaimer- I do not own Naruto, Sweeney Todd, Death Note, Avatar, or any other show I forgot to mention.

Author's note- Ok, and the battle this time is NEJI versus LIGHT! There were no votes for L vs LIGHT so by defult... let us BEGIN!

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"Back to this torture..." says Pein resting his head on the table.

"I don't know, dawg, I think's it's pretty fun," says Kiba.

"Oh, being with all of these wonderful people is so WONDERFUL!" says Aang standing up.

"Sit down," says Pein irritably.

"Ok," says Aang sitting down.

L doesn't say anything, but he thinks, '_This is a great opertunity to see if Light-kun is Kira..._'

"Let's start!" says Kiba. "YO! SWEENEY! LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!"

"Fine..." says Sweeny Todd. "And our contestants today are Light and Neji. So welcome them..."

Light and Neji walk onto the stage. Light notices L is there and thinks '_Well thier goes half of my comebacks..._'

"Ok, ready-set-go..." says Sweeney Todd.

"What's your problem?" asks Kiba. "Dawg..."

"I'm having a bad day..." says Sweeney Todd annoyed with the question.

"Oh no! The demon barber from down the lane had a bad day..." says Pein sarcastically.

"Onward...!" says Aang trying to avoid a fight.

"Yeah dawg..." says Kiba. " Onward fo-shizzle..."

"But seriously, stop talking like that..." says Aang to Kiba.

"No way dawg!" says Kiba. "Ok! Neji, why are you coller than Light?"

"That's my line..." says Sweeney Todd.

"Oops..." says Kiba.

"JUST ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION!" yells Pein.

"Fine. Because I was destined to be so," says Neji.

"That's not going to win you any votes you know," says Pein still irritated.

"I don't need to win to prove that I have a destiny," says Neji before continuing, "I do not know what Light is like and therefore cannot know if he has always been a loser or if he has always been a winner..."

"Ok!" says Kiba getting bored. "Now Light's turn!"

"That's my line too..." says Sweeney.

"Too bad dawg..." says Kiba.

"Don't make me kill you..." says Sweeney Todd.

"I'd like to see yo try fo-shizzle," says Kiba standing up. L's still watching Light.

"This isn't your fight guys! It's Light and Neji's fight!" says Aang.

"Fine, get on with it Light..." says Sweeney to Light. Light glances at L.

"Well..." starts Light looking for the right words. "I'm working with L on the Kira case and I'm in college..."

"Anything else or is that it?" asks Pein. "Because that's a really crappy opening."

"No, I'm done," says Light closing his eyes.

"Ok, now for the argument..." says Sweeney Todd closing his eyes. He lost his index cards this morning. He had no idea what he was suposed to be saying after this point. Oops...

"Time cards!" says Aang.

**_10 seconds later_**

**_..._**

**_20 seconds later_**

**_..._**

**_5 minutes later_**

**_..._**

**_1 hour later_**

"HURRY UP!" yells Pein growing very impatient. "You know what?! I think I'm going to KILL YO-"

"To avoid this senseless violence I'll start you guys off..." says L taking a candy bar out of his pocket and unwrapping it. "Neji..."

"Yes?" ask Neji.

"Light had an A average going into College," finishes Light.

"Well I believe in destiny," says Neji.

"I have a model for a girl friend," says Light.

"I have a bird cage symbol."

"Well... I have a headache..." says Pein irritably.

" Shut up, dawg." says Kiba, "They finally started..."

"I can pay tennis," continues Light ignoring Pein and Kiba.

"I am a ninja."

"Well I'm Ki-" Light starts to say. L's eyes widen. "-ind! Kind! Yeah, kind..."

"What's that got to do with anything?" asks Neji.

"It's a good personality trait to have..." says Light.

"I have byakugan."

"Well I have this awesome black notebook!" says Light taking out the notebook.

"...well that was antilimactic..." Pein mumbles. "Ok, enough of that..."

"Next we're going to... uh..." starts Sweeney trying to remember.

"FIND THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE!" yells someone in the back room.

"Er... no," says Sweeney Todd. "We're going to... be done."

"WHAT?!" yells Aang. "We just started!"

"Hmm... I'm thinking you're paid by the hour?" asks Pein smirking.

"Shut up, so are you," says Aang glaring at Pein.

"Actually, I'm paid by the chapter," says Pein.

"Me too dawg," says Kiba.

"Well it's over," says Pein standing up.

"Ok, now vote for who you want to win, Light or Neji, and remember world, this can't continue without your contribution!" says Aang really slowly trying to take time...

"But no one voted..." says L sitting back.

"Oh... right," says Pein, we'll make it quick. "As usual, I think they both sucked, Aang thinks they both were fantabulous, and Kiba thought that they both did ok, but he just can't decide. Am I right?"

"Basically..." says Kiba.

"NO!" says Aang. "I thought they were both so SUPER."

"Like there's a difference..." says Pein irritated.

"THERE IS!" yells Aang.

"In the words of some famous guy that wrote that documentry on the 'F' word, 'Why don't you go outside and play Hide and go fck yourself?'" asks Pein.

"Well that's not very nice..." says Aang.

"Ok, hurry up and vote L..." says Pein.

"I think that... neither won..." says L.

"Ok, all done." says Pein before L can finish his reasoning and he starts to walk away.

"Shouldn't we see who was in the back room yelling about the Philosopher's stone?" asks Aang hoping to lengthen the chapter. Pein sighs.

"Fine..." says Pein reluctantly. He walks into the back and comes back with Edward Elric. "It was just this short kid..."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT YOU WANT TO PUT HIM IN A PUDDLE AND SEE IF HE'LL DROWN?!" yells Edward angrily.

"No one said that baka..." says Light. L's still thinking about how Light glanced at him in the middle of his word.

"Ok, the damn show's over, bye..." says Pein walking out the studio door.

"Well, that sucks," says Edward.

"What does?" asks Kiba. "Dawg...?"

"I just got here and now it's over!" says Edward falling to his knees.

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Author's Note- And that concludes this chapter. Ok, now vote on who you think is the best character, Neji or Light? Say in your review or this will never be able to continue. XD YES!


	4. A Tie! WTF?

Disclaimer- I in no way, shape, or form own Naruto, Death Note, FullMetal Alchemist, Avatar, Sweeney Todd, or any other show/idea/whatever I use in this story.

Author's Note- I feel up to writing today. XD Here are the results, (...and Edward was voted for? WTF) MossNose- Undecided, Mewmewgodess- Neji, potterandanimelover- Neji/Edward, Iwa no Rya- Edward. And yes, I'll allow the review to be in the story, but I have to altar it a bit. It'll say the same thing... minus my name and references to 'review.'

* * *

_**Beforehand...**_

* * *

_"Hey look! I found a letter attatched to the door..." says Kiba entering the building holding a letter. "It's addressed to us!"_

_"Yeah, I saw that too," says Pein closing his eyes. "I just decided to ignore it."_

_"Let me see!" says Aang grabbing the letter. "Well it's adressed to us... we can open it..."_

_"Fine..." says Pein who takes the letter and opens it. Pein reads..._

**_"EDWARD ELRIC WINS BY A LONG SHOT! PLEASE LET HIM WIN!! I'm a strong respector of Pein-sama...but I would love it if Ed won. Both Light and Neji suck out loud. I want Aang and Kiba and L and Pein-sama to see this letter...thanks."_**

_"It's addressed from an Iwa no Rya... hmmm..." says Pein closing his eyes. "I like this person already. I say we let Ed win."_

_"You know very well we can't do that," says Sweeney Todd entering the building._

_"Why not?" asks Pein._

_"It's a tie," says Sweeney Todd as L enters the room, and reads the letter. "Therefore, we cannot change the vote. Next time I suggest asking people NOT to vote for people not running."_

_"Riiiight..." says Kiba sitting down. _

_"Well... let's get this show on the road!" says Aang._

* * *

"And welcome back to... Who's Cool..." says Sweeney Todd. He almost said Konoha Idol, oops.

"Great... more? It hasn't even been a week..." says Pein rubbing his temples.

"Dawg, it's been eight days," says Kiba.

"Shut up," says Pein.

Light and Neji walk back onto the stage.

"And back again..." says Pein.

"Yay!" says Aang. "I wonder who won!"

"I lost," says Light closing his eyes.

"What makes you say that Light-kun?" asks L taking out another chocolate bar. Where do they keep coming from?!

"It's obvious. I didn't talk much about the reasons why I should win," says Light.

"Like what Light-kun?" asks L.

"...like..." Light thinks about saying stuff about how's he's Kira and decides against it.

"He doesn't have anything else because he, like Neji, SUCKS!" yells Pein.

"What did you say your name was?" asks Light looking at Pein.

"Pein. That's it," says Pein sarcastically.

"Fine," says Light.

"So let's carry on..." says Kiba. "dawg..."

"Yes, let's," says Pein.

"I'M STILL HERE YOU KNOW," yells Edward Elric.

"Oh, well no one could see you pipsqueak," says Pein.

"He just loves pissing me off..." says Edward under his breath.

"Ok, here's the results..." says Sweeney Todd. "It's a tie...!" Aang and Kiba act suprised, Pein is just annoyed, and L doesn't really care.

"Between who?" asks Edward.

"Between Neji and you," says Sweeney Todd.

"HA! I AM AWESOME! WHO'S SHORT NOW YOU MORALLY CORRUPT MURDERER WITH A GOD COMPLEX!" says Edward pointing at Light.

"But he wasn't even in the competition!" says Light exasperated. L tilts his head. _Did Edward say murderer?_

"Don't be stupid, you're upset because I beat YOU!" says Edward.

"No, I'm angry because the competition obviously wasn't made as a successful show should be," says Light. "A person, SHORT person shows up at the last minute and ties for first? I don't WANT to be the favorite of these people. I bet, if they could vote, that they would elect someone like... Vash for president, or Michael Jackson or something."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A-" starts Edward when Pein cuts him off.

"Enough talk," says Pein. "That was short, sweet, and to the point. I have things to do; people to crush. We're done."

"Fine dawg," says Kiba.

"But..." says Aang desperately.

"Next time make sure you're not paid by the hour you dobe," says Pein walking out of the room slamming the door behind him.

"Someone's grumpy today," says Aang.

"Ok, so technically winner is Neji," says Sweeney Todd. "And if we were democratic Edward too, but we're not democratic; I'm pretty sure we're something else... maybe a Monarchy."

'Whatever," says Light. He makes a mental note, _"Get Misa to watch this show and get the name of that Pein guy next time... he seems like a criminal to me."_ Then he leaves the stage and walks out the door. He's pretty pissed off.

"Ummm... we normally have the winner judge the next competition... dawg..." says Kiba, "But... we'll just have to make something up... yo..."

"I propose that Neji is a judge on the next episode and that Edward is a contestant," says L. "It's the fairest solution."

"Ok dawg," says Kiba.

"Don't call me that," says L.

"Whatever... dawg," says Kiba. L takes a bite out of his candy bar. Keeping his cool. Chocolate helps him with that.

"So... er... see you next time," says Sweeney Todd. "So vote for either Edward Elric vs Naruto Uzamaki, or Edward Elric vs Colonel Roy Mustang..."

* * *

Author's note- Ok, there's that. Hope you enjoyed it. So vote on either EDWARD ELRIC VERSUS NARUTO UZAMAKI or EDWARD ELIC VERSUS COLONEL ROY MUSTANG. Thank you.


	5. Roy versus Edward

**Disclaimer- I do not own Naruto, Sweeney Todd, Death Note, FullMetal Alchemist, Avatar, Charlie the Unicorn nor anything else I used in this fanfic. I promise... I do not own anything from them. Nothing. That's it. NOTHING.**

**Author's Note- Ok... let's see. Two votes for Edward versus Roy and one vote for Edward versus Naruto so Edward versus Roy wins. Let the insulting of the short Edward begin (NO OFFENSE IS INTENDED TO ANY SHORT PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE BY THE WAY, EDWARD IS PROBABLY SHORTER THAN YOU ANYWAYS SO CHEER UP XD)! Oh, and just because Sweeney Todd makes the remark on Sulfur and explosions, he's not the crimson alchemist, ok...? Don't let that confuse you...**

* * *

**_Before show fan mail session is now in effect for the continuing episode because some people (you know who you are) have comments/questions/actions they feel they must take against certain characters... keep it rated teen please people... ALL FAN MAIL SESSIONS WILL BE ITALICIZED BY THE WAY, I will not repeat that so don't forget it! Standard writing is all when it's on camera being 'recorded.'_**

* * *

_"Wow! Long time no see_ _everyone!" says Aang sitting in his chair holding a letter._

_"Not my fault SOME PEOPLE seem to have a need to stop me from my goal..." says Pein._

_"Reffering to Jariaya?" asks Kiba. "...dawg?"_

_"...of course not," says Pein._

_"I have a letter!" says Aang._

_"Hand it over," says Pein. Aang gives Pein the letter and Pein nonchalantly throws it in the fire._

_"What'd you do that for?!" yells Aang running to the fire and taking the letter out of it._

_"I had no idea we even had a fireplace..." says Sweeney Todd quietly as he enters stage right._

_"Good point dawg, where'd the fire place come from?" says Kiba._

_"The Leoplorodan," says Pein._

_"The what?" asks Sweeney Todd with only a slight hint of a question in his voice._

_"Ooooo! THE MAGICAL LEOPLORODAN!" says Aang. "It showed us the waaaaaaaaaay!"_

_"That's retarded, just read the letter," says Kiba sitting down in his usual seat in between Aang and Pein. Light enters the room._

_"I forgot my notebook..." says Light bending down and picking up a black notebook off the floor._

_"Let me see it," says Pein._

_"It's just important names and dates from people in history," says Light with no hint of a lie in his voice._

_"Nevermind..." says Pein bored. Aang hands Pein the letter._

_"Hurry up and read it, the commercials are almost over and then we only have three minutes of the theme song before we start!" says Aang._

_"Ok..." says Pein before reading,_

**_'COLONEL ROY MUSTANG WINS! PEIN-SAMA!! Don't be a grumpy-butt. Come on. And... I have something to take care of...  
-glares at Light, tackles him, and throws Death Note at Pein-sama-  
HAVE FUN!  
-runs away-  
-Iwa no Rya'_**

_"So... she voted before the show...?" asks Kiba._

_"We should probably ban that too," says Sweeney Todd sitting on the stage waiting for the show to start. Stupid theme song and commercial sponsors taking up ten minutes before the show starts..._

_"And I'm not grumpy, I'm just a jerk," says Peinsmirking slightly holding the death note that was thrown to him. Light eyes the notebook._

_"I need that back or I'm going to fail history..." says Light looking slightly worried or maybe just nervous. I mean... someone else has HIS Death Note... Pein flips through it._

_"Ug, Japanese historical figures? Is that what they're teaching you about in school? God, you're school sucks," says Peinthrowing the notebookto Light. Light takes the notebook and leaves._

_"God, that was close..." breathes Light once outside._

_"We're on in two minutes!" says Sweeney Todd standing up suddenly. He dusts off his shoulders and unwrinkles his shirt with his hands; killing people isn't exactly a quick job..._

_"Hey... where's Neji? He's supposed to be the guest judge today," says Aang gesturing to the empty chair next to his. Sweeney Todd and Pein shrug._

_"I don't know dawg," says Kiba._

_"20 seconds," says Sweeney Todd now center stage. "10 seconds..."_

_"6...."_

_"5..."_

_"4..."_

_"3..."_

_"2..." _

_Neji suddenly bursts into the room and runs to his seat; he sits in it._

_"Good, you made it..." says Sweeney Todd... and then the cameras are turned on._

* * *

"Welcome back to Who's Cool!" says Sweeney Todd.

"I don't like that name anymore," says Pein closing his eyes. "We need to rename it."

"To what might I ask?" asks Aang.

"Er... I'll think of something before this episode's out," says Pein. "At the moment we'll deal with ALCHEMIST SHOWDOWN."

"They're not ALL alchemist here you know..." says Aang.

"Hey, dawg..." says Kiba, "How many Alchemists are there?"

"Er..." says Pein, "Alot of them."

"Ok... so the two who will be competing today are Roy Mustang and Edward Elric," says Sweeney Todd gesturing towards the stage. Roy walks out from behind the stage to the right and Edward enters from the left. Sweeney Todd walks off the stage. Lunch Break...! Sweeney Todd then remembered that Mrs. Lovett made him a pie for lunch. He decided he wasn't hungry... anymore... people have a funny aftertaste... kind of... I don't know... sulfuric. Sulfur... very useful in explosions though... "So would know the Crimson Alchemist..."

"Someone call me?" asks the Crimson Alchemist walking onto the stage.

"No Kimbley..." says Roy. Edward totally spazzes out.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" yells Edward.

"Calm down shorty; I was just on my way out," says Zolf Kimbley (aka-Crimson Alchemist) tilting his head downward slightly and smirking.

"WHO YOU CALLING SO SHORT HIS BODY WOULDN'T CONTAIN ENOUGH SULFUR TO CREATE A MINI-EXPLOSION WITH!" yells Ed. Everyone completely ignores the comment.

"Who are you?" asks Pein.

"Antagonist..." says Zolf not changing his position, but smirking slightly more.

"He disobeyed direct orders given by superior officers during the Ishbal Massacre!" says Ed semi-spazzing still.

"That's one way of putting it..." says Zolf raising his head, "...another would be saying that I made women and children go BOOM and when my superior officers tried to stop me..." Everyone waits a moment for a response and Zolf continues, "...well BOOM, but now I really must be going..."

Neji is SO confused, but he doesn't show it.

"Yeah, Yeah, go on you Batsard," says Edward glaring at Zolf. Before Roy gets to attempt to apprehend him, Zolf walks out the door.

"Obviously your obsession of how short you are has corrupted your judgement," says Roy, "We should have arrested him."

"Well I didn't see yo- WHO YOU CALLING SHORT!" yells Edward.

"You're short Edward; that won't change for a few years yet, if it ever changes," says Roy smirking slightly.

"SWEENEY TODD! Can you please get this show back under our control...?" asks Kiba getting slightly annoyed with all of these distractions. Aang's happy, this episode's VERY long. "Dawg...?" Sweeney Todd looks up from where he is sitting.

"Fine," says Sweeney Todd without getting up. Then, he proceeds to get very angry at no one in particular and yells, "OUT!!!"

Everyone looks confusedly at him.

"Oh, sorry, wrong line... already had that Epiphany..." mutters Sweeney Todd, "But it did get everyone to be quiet did it not?"

"True..." says Pein shrugging; maybe there were perks to being a serial killing barber... though he couldn't think of any now... there must be a few.

"Ok, let's start the show for real now," says Kiba shaking his head. "Yo..."

"Fine, we'll start with... with..." says Pein not remembering what they're starting with. "Uh, that's Sweeney's line."

"Yes, it is," says Sweeney Todd. "First... why should you win this contest that, at the moment, is un-named...? Essentially... why are you better than you're opponent..."

"Oh, well that's easy," says Ed, "I'm so much cooler because I'm not a smartass bastard all of the time."

"...well at least I'm not short," says Roy smirking slightly.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL YOU COULDN'T SEE HIM WITHOUT A MAGNIFYING GLASS!" yells Ed.

"Never said that... but now that you mention it..." says Roy thoughtfully.

"Shut up you morally bankrupt colonel with a god-complex," says Ed under his breathe.

"Not to mention I'm your superior officer," says Roy smirking slightly before adding in a quieter voice, "...and I'm better looking."

"YOU ARE NOT BETTER LOOKING!" yells Ed.

"I'd hope not to you," says Roy taking a slight step away from Ed. Ed doesn't say anything. "Anyways..."

"At least I don't have a creepy dog fetish," says Ed.

"It's not a fetish, it's just..." says Roy searching for the right word. Ed turns around and goes back stage.

**Huh? Where'd Ed go? COMMERCIAL BREAK!**

**_A teenager, 18ish, with short, messy, dark hair and black colored eyes wearing tattered clothes and having an automail arm right arm and right leg walks onto the screen; shaking slightly. He sits on a curb of a semi-busy road, his eyes are blood-shot red and he looks hungry. People pass him by avoiding eye contact. A little boy slightly looks over at him and he smiles slightly._**

**_One comments to her son quietly, "Don't look at him Jamie..."_**

**_He used to be someone. Now he's no one. He used to play guitar in his school's stage band; he used to have friends; he used to have a little brother._**

**_His father died when he was young and it devastated him... so instead of facing the fact that he died he trained with his little brother everyday and tried to get him back._**

**_Look how well that worked. Now he's haunted by dreams of the horrors that occured when he tried to get him back._**

**_They thought they'd do better than the Elrics..._**

**_...they thought it would work..._**

**_...but it didn't..._**

**_Be above the influence._**

**_Don't do Human Alchemy._**

Ed returns and everyone looks at him.

"What'd I do?" Ed asks, he missed the commercail.

"Nothing..." says Kiba, "Dog...?"

"Dog...?" says Roy looking at Kiba. Kiba nods.

"Ed came back with a dog," says Kiba.

"Not just any dog..." says Ed smirking, "Black Hayate."

"Dog... huh?" says Roy walking over to Edward. Ed nods semi-triumphantly.

"I- I..." says Roy trying to not say his infamous line.

"Come... you...?" says Ed smirking slightly.

"I love dogs!" says Roy rolling his eyes slightly. "Happy? Now I'd give Black Hayate back to Hawkeye before she kills you."

Ed ignores the remark and says, "And you're a womanizer."

"No I'm not," says Roy.

"You can't deny it, you already made a comment on how 'handsome' you are," says Ed.

"I'm not a womanizer!" says Roy insistantly.

"And you're gay," says Ed.

"No I'm NOT!" says Roy getting angry now. How dare he make assumptions about him!

"Well, someone that _pretty_ couldn't be straight," says Ed smirking.

"I could fire you as quickly as I got you into service Ed," says Roy threateningly.

"I'd like to see you try..." Ed mutters under his breathe.

"What was that?" asks Roy getting more impatient and angrily turning to face Ed, getting right in his face.

"Nothing, Colonel," says Ed sarcastically and smirking. Roy's eyes flare slightly, so he shuts them, but he keeps his cool.

"It was something alright, but I guess you're too low to the ground for me to have heard it..." says Roy shrugging and turning around so his back faces Ed.

Ed's eyes flare and he yells, "WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SHORT TH-"

"Spare us the lecture," says Roy, "We don't need another analogy to give us an idea of how short you are."

"Take that back," says Ed glaring at Roy. Roy glares back.

"And if I don't," says Roy, "What can you do about it...?"

Ed loses his cool and transmutates his automail arm into a dagger and goes to hold it up to Roy's neck, but Roy dodges.

"Too slow," says Roy lifting up his hand and aiming at Ed. "If you stop now I won't be forced to burn you to a crisp FullMetal."

"You wish," yells Ed.

"Aw, come on guys, don't you have anything nice to say about each other?" asks Aang hopeful they will sort this out... without a fight. Roy calms down and gains his composure immediately. Ed stays in a fighting position, but calms down slightly. "Good."

Vash bursts into the room suddenly.

"LOVE AND PEACE!!!" Vash suddenly yells before running backstage. Several townspeople enter.

"Where'd Vash go?!" that all say not exactly in unison.

"Er... that way?" says Ed pointing to the door.

"GET HIM!" they yell running out the door to find the 60 billion double dollar man.

Vash walks out from backstage and rubs his neck with one hand and says, "Thanks for that..."

"Yeah..." says Ed transmuting his arm back to normal.

"Now come on guys... love and peace! Say something nice about each other," says Vash smiling. How could one dissappoint him, right?

"...I guess you're kinda average height..." says Roy looking extremely thoughtful, he debates saying 'for a nine year old' but decides against it. He needs to look like he can be civil at times. Discipline Mustang... discipline...

"Good, good," says Vash all smiley, "Now it's your turn Ed."

Suddenly the townspeople come back and yell, "THERE HE IS! I SAW HIM ON THE TV!" They all run for him.

"Aw, man, guess I'm out..." says Vash running out the door, all the townspeople following.

"Come on Ed, you heard him," says Aang smiling. "Say something nice about your superior officer."

"Roy Mustang is _**DEAD**_ sexy..." says Ed and everyone looks at him like 'WTF?!'. "...in a _mini-skirt_."

Roy's eye twitches slightly, but he keeps his cool and doesn't freak out outwardly too much.

_**Awkward silence.**_

"Was that an insult, I hope, Edward?" asks Roy slightly unsettled still. I mean, a guy just said he looks good in a mini-skirt and he doesn't ever remember wearing one... for Roy... that's slightly disturbing.

"Yeah, yeah... it was supposed to be..." says Ed running his fingers over his head.

"Ok then..." says Roy.

Sweeney Todd walks onto the stage. "We've run into "House" and people aren't to happy about that... so we've got to end now."

"What?!" says Pein, "It was just getting good..."

"This episode is abnormally long..." says Kiba, "Dawg..."

"Fine, we'll end it..." says Pein shrugging. He has better things to do; like go home and watch "House" that's supposed to be on right now...

"Ok, so vote for either Edward Elric or Roy Mustang, do not vote for Pein, Kiba, Aang, Me, Vash the Stampede, townspeople, or Kimbley, got it? They're not in the competition..." says Sweeney Todd in one breathe.

Everyone waves to the screen as they fade out, except Roy who salutes slightly.

* * *

_**Author's Note- That is the longest chapter I think I've ever written for ANYTHING, but it was necessary... so er, yeah, vote for Ed or Roy, Roy or Ed... Read and Review. XD**_


	6. Twilight, maybe Peinsama?

**Disclaimer- I don't own FMA, Sweeney Todd, Trigun, Death Note, Naruto, Avatar, American Idol... Uh... Didi I forget any? These disclaimers of mine are getting ridiculously long...**

**Author's Note-** **Alright, so maybe I messed up. I'm sorry I've been gone so long, but I'm trying** **to update things again. XD Alright results- Mossnose, Potterandanimelover- undecided, NeverRoses, Iwa no Rya- Roy Mustang, and mewmewgoddess- Ed. Therefore... Roy wins because undecided is just undecided. I don't know why I can't write in present tense... Just... I'm not going through the entire story for tense changes, ok? It's staying in past now. T.T**

* * *

_"Alright, we've got one lazy producer..." remarks Pein walking in the door. "It's been how long?!" Sweeney Todd just nods slightly._

_"It's ok, at least we're back now!" says Aang entering the room with a smile._

_Kiba also enters seconds after Aang and says, "So, what'd I miss?"_

_"Nothing," mumbles Pein and Sweeney Todd at the same time._

_"So... fanmail?" asked Aang will a few letters in his hand. Pein's head hits his desk._

_"Just shoot me now," said Pein not moving. _

_"I don't know about shooting, but I could-" started Sweeney Todd standing up and putting his hand to the razor in his pocket._

_"I think it was figurative," said Kiba nervously. Pein still hadn't moved._

_"Alright, first letter!" said Aang trying to change the subject. "It's from... Jade, and it says..."_

HI HI PEOPLE! OMG I LOVE YOU ALL! OK... random fangirl moment over. I have recontacted my sane side. So, I have a few questions to ask. Are you ever going to have my Kabuto Sensii on the show? Can I be a guest judge? AND Will you ever put Harry Potter charicters, or Twilight characters on the show?  
-Jade :)

_"I will NEVER permit Twilight Characters on this show," stated Pein lifting up his head. "EVER."_

_"Why?" asked Aang tilting his head._

_"I have my reasons."_

_"Alright..." said Aang sitting down next to Pein. "...Harry Potter?"_

_"Maybe, as a matter of fact..." said Pein taking one of Sweeney's notecard, scribbling something out, an rewriting something in it's place. "And Kabuto? Doesn't he work for Orochimaru? Why would I invite him here?!"_

_"Well, how about the guest judge thing?" asked Aang playing with the marble again. "And is Neji even coming?"_

_"Guest judge..." said Pein. He pauses to think a moment. "Maybe, and I have no idea about Neji."_

_"Alright, next one!" says Aang grabbing the next card. "It's from... Rya Uchiha..."_

__

Hi everyone!  
Pein-sama...I hope you know me by now...don't you remember? I'm Rya Uchiha. :P Nya!  
Sweeney...you never said don't vote for you...but I vote for Roy. He's way cooler.  
-Rya

VASH YOU RULE!

_"Oi, I remember you," said Pein facepalming. "STOP STALKING THE AKATSUKI! Just cause your brother's in it doesn't mean I'll letyou stay too... anyways, Itachi said he HAD no family... that's been proven wrong TWICE now..."_

_"I definately said not to vote for me," remarked Sweeney Todd crossing his arms. "Read the whole thing next time."_

_"Alright!" said Aang. "Let's start the show now!"_

_

* * *

_Ed and Roy each are on one side of the stage and Sweeney Todd is in the middle holding the index card with the winner on it.

"And the winner is..." starts Sweeney Todd. "Roy Mustang..."

Roy smirked and Ed's eyes glowed with fiery rage and Ed said, "HOW COULD YOU CHOOSE THAT MORALLY BANKRUPT BASTARD OVER ME?!"

Ed stalks off the stage and Roy blinks.

"Alright, now what?" asked Kiba. "Dawg?" Akamaru tilts his head at Kiba. "We've gone over this Akamaru..."

"That just about sums up the episode," stated Pein closing his eyes.

"That was only a minute and a half!" said Aang standing up. "We keep them waiting for months for the show and then we stop it at a minute and a half?!"

"Pretty much," remarks Pein off handedly. "Give them the choices and then I can go home."

Sweeney Todd nods slightly. "Either Vash versus Zolf Kimbley, or Vash versus... what does that say?"

"Sirius Black," stated Pein. "You can't read my writing?!"

"In my defense, it's a mess..." said Sweeney Todd shrugging. "Or Vash versus Sirius Black- you decide."

* * *

**Author's Note- Alright, As you have seen, Vash (Trigun) versus Zolf Kimbley (Fullmetal Alchemist) or Vash (Trigun) versus Sirius Black (Harry Potter).**


End file.
